That doesn't mean God isn't using me. On the contrary I am using my gifts and talents to serve with the ministry Emoyeni, under the leadership of Darryl and Janine Mather-Pike. I am pleased to be helping them with their bookkeeping and now with the administrative logistics of all their feeding sites & preschools affiliated with Children's Cup. (Kind of blending both ministries into a smoothly running partnership that ultimately benefits the children in the Badplaas and outlying areas.)
But, something is missing. I can feel it but the frustrating part is I haven't been able to put my finger on it. And then I read today's devotion from Angus Buchan "Now Is The Time". Today's was titled "Patient Faith". Let me share part of it with you. The reference is in Colossians 1:1-14 but this is what hit me between the eyes.
"Oswald Chambers says you and I are like a bow and arrow. The bow has to be fully stretched before the arrow can be released. Maybe you are at the place where you feel that you cannot take much more. You feel as if you are going to snap. No, you are not going to snap because God is not going to allow you to. The reason He is stretching you is because He wants the arrow to hit the mark. Maybe you don't know where you are going or what you should do; but He does. He has the bow and arrow in His hands and He is directing it toward His target. He is telling you to be patient, to hang on. Of course, when the Lord lets the arrow go it hits the target spot on; and the patience of faith is rewarded."
The prayer at the end says "My Father, I realize that patience is one of the most difficult virtues to cultivate. It goes against my normal inclinations. Yet, I also realize that once again it comes down to knowledge of You, because if I know You I will trust You; if I trust You I will have patience. Amen."
I don't know where most of you are in your journey, but I know I have more stretching to do. I can sense that I am not aimed at the "spot on" mark yet. I have been having the nudging the last couple of weeks that God is about to ask me to be willing to do what I would not have imagined even just a few months ago. That sense is not well defined yet. It is a little like last year when I sensed there was about to be a BIG change in my life and there was. I didn't realize what it was until it happened and maybe that is true now also. As much as I am enjoying what I am currently doing, I know something is missing. The pieces are not all in place yet. I am not stretched enough to give the arrow the proper lift and direction to get where it needs to go. I needed to write this, as always, to help me clarify and solidify MY faith. To talk it out. (I don't have much opportunity to do it in person.) I am on the right path. And as I wait, I will stretch until He knows I am prepared for what lies ahead and I will do it patiently. I trust Him and am confident that even though I have more unanswered questions than answered ones, He has it all figured out and it will beyond the beyond of what I can imagine.
Thank you for journeying with me. Thank you for praying with me and for me through this. Thank you for supporting me when it looks like there is not much to show for it. I am not who I was 7 years ago. I am more secure in my faith. I am more comfortable in being loved by a Father who gave His Son for my eternity. I am more okay with my failures because He has worked so many of my weakest moments to His glory. I am more forgiving and less likely to take offense, even if it was meant for harm. I am okay to be submissive to Him and the authorities He puts me under me because I know He is in control. None of this is catching Him by surprise. And I am glad to testify of His faithfulness. I have not been to the states or actively fund raised since my transition began because He has given me a peace that as long as He has work for me here, He will provide what I need by sending supporters or showing me how to cut costs. I testify today that He has been faithful. My monthly support is not what I need to live on but every time I question if it is enough, one large or several small, irregular donations show up or He provides another way to handle an expense. (Like my vehicle repair was covered by a warranty and my tune up didn't need the brakes replaced like they thought.) God is good, all the time! So how can I doubt that even though I thought I should be more planted and directed by now, God knows better! He isn't done molding me and stretching my bow for what lies ahead. I pray that if things aren't the way you think they should be in your life that you too can trust that God's hand is securely holding your arrow as He stretches your bow, and that this knowledge gives you patience for this season of waiting. He has great plans ahead if we just submit to the stretching and patiently wait until it is our time to be released to hit the mark He has intended "spot on"!