This Wasn't How I Planned It God!

It hurts! I'm tired of the pain! I'm tired of what the pain meds do to me. I'm tired of the frustration of trying to do things with my left hand! I want someone else to handle things, take care of me, stop the feeling of loneliness and isolation!!! It hurts and I'm sad and mad and lost in it! People send money to support me and I feel I am letting them down. Not doing my job. That I'm not doing anything really.This isn't how I planned this year to be! All I seem good at is throwing a big pity party!

See why missionaries should not be put on a pedestal? I am a big wimp!!! I give in to SELF! I still want it to be all about me. I'm disliking what I am seeing when I am being squeezed!

If I look at this same time frame (this past week), sue I broke mt right wrist but another has lost a husband and the father of her babies! I can't even imagine her pain. Someone else with far less of a support system than I is finding she needs to find a new home that will allow her to keep the dogs who are like family to her and figure how to coordinate having to have hip replacement surgery while moving and caring for her dogs. There is also a strong man of God who I just found out has been watching his daughter suffer chronic debilitating pain and the doctors have no answers and God has not chosen to heal her.

So why do I think I have the right to whine? Why do I think God is not big enough to bring me through this? He loves me so much!!! This is all but a blink of an eye! His plan for my life goes so beyond this segment! When I look back will I have let this change me for the better? Will I know my "daddy" more intimately as I let Him hold and rock me instead of relying on someone else? Will I have more compassion for others in pain? Who are depressed and discouraged? Will I become better equipped to expose the lies of the enemy that say I am pathetic, weak, useless and a failure? Will I be better at focusing on the truth that God loves me beyond all of that and regardless of how I or others view me? His love isn't because of my faith or my works. He just loves me! And though it may sound paradoxical, through the pain and struggles I feel His love more personally.

Please know that I did not write this for you to tell me how great I am for "doing God's work in Africa". I didn't type this for you to wish that I was with you or you with me so you could care for me. My purpose was to help me refocus my pity. To help me think more like Philippians 4:8. To help ooze the love of God when I am squeezed. Psalm 112:4

May I focus on my blessings in my pain. We all have pain in one form or another so I can stop thinking that I suffer alone. May I learn to use my pain to love others and myself better because of the love of our Father for us! He has not caused my pain but He can transform it into a blessing. Maybe not in this instant, maybe not in the way I would choose but in the big picture of my life. Psalm 50:15

Have a great day! I know mine is already more blessed (and less painful!) as my focus is starting to shift.

Green Pastures and Deep Waters

This was just going to be a FaceBook post but it kept expanding. It is the hazard of being alone so much, when you start talking, even on paper you just bubble (or babble) over with things your heart has been yearning to say.

A stranger at the time, but a sister in Christ, gave me a word that I was in a season of lush green pastures and deep rivers. Sounds perfect for sheep . . . plenty of food to eat and water to quench your thirst and grass not rocks to lay down and rest. So many have told me that they wish they were able to be in that place. True, everyone needs to make time to recharge and to rest but what do you do after you are rested?

Now don't get me wrong, I am using my down time to dive into the Word, to be a prayer warrior, and to drink from those deep waters and soak it all in. That is on good days. On bad days, my flesh is constantly battling with words of condemnation, "Who do you think you are?"; "You are lazy!", "What are you really doing for God now.... for the Kingdom?"; "So you think you are some goody two shoes now, holier than thou?"; "You are just wasting time!". You see the down side of the lush green pastures is the mass of bugs that bite you or the slippery moss in those deep streams that cause you to fall. My faults, my barriers to God and my demons that I have let get a hold of areas of my life come into focus. I have a choice to grow, wrestle and let God have the victory or roll over and cry myself to sleep listening to the words of discouragement and a sense of futility. I've done both.

It is easier to ignore the rough spots when I have work or other activities to do. It is harder sometimes to be still and take the hard look at myself. But what Satan means to curse you, although painful, God can turn into a blessing! I am changing. God is changing me. It is not very comfortable place to be. I knew the old self and was comfortable with my quirks, my stumbling blocks. Some which I have had to wrestle with I will not share out loud. But others you all were able to see, yet I tried to justify and now my eyes are being opened. I was harsh when I became stressed and trying to make things "perfect". Those that knew me would extend grace but those who this was their first exposure of me cringed or were afraid. I was gifted with an ability to look at the other side of issues but often shared that insight too much. I could be pushy, overbearing or at the least irritating to others. I have self doubt. I lack confidence. Not that my exterior was phony. I could step up to the plate and do what needed to be done in a given situation, but in the stillness I question every decision I made or action I had taken. I am rarely offended but I let the enemy lure me onto walking on eggshells so as not to be an offense to others. Translated I guess I had fallen into the trap about "worrying" about offending others. And I hate worry! I have won the battle in so many areas against worry but in these still pastures, sure enough I realized there was worry that I had overlooked.

I'm not quite sure why I wrote this but I guess I needed to tell myself that I am not lazy, there is progress going on even if no one else sees it. And I guess I need to remember this experience down the road. This is not a respite because I am worthy of needing a break or because I had "hit the wall". This time does not fit into a nice little box and is all planned out. I do, more and more, feel it is ordained by God. I don't know quite why yet but I will trust that He has a purpose. I will continue to dive into His Word, memorize and be more of a prayer warrior and just learn to enjoy time with my Daddy. But I will also continue to allow for Him to expose the real me more, and for me to know me more and (because I feel the need to blog) for you to know me more. Hopefully my need to share will speak to where you need to share with Him.

I love what was shared in church on Sunday, I'm not a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, I am a butterfly, just in a different form. I feel like I am currently in the cocoon. I am trusting God to orchestrate when it will be time to emerge. Thank you if you read this. Pray for me. Know that God is preparing things for the future here and evidently, part of that, is to prepare me. May He get all the glory!