When I came home that first time in March 2009 I had severe reverse culture shock. I was uncomfortable back in what should have felt like home. Over the years I was able to find balance and enjoy my time in the states but it never felt like it was "home"...."home" had become Africa. So, needless to say I was apprehensive when I felt God calling me to move back permanently to the U.S. even though I had peace that it was what He was telling me to do. If you look back at old blogs it always said "to the states" not "home". I wasn't naive. I have known many who have moved back "home" and encountered depression, issues adjusting and trouble connecting and reconnecting. With that in mind I actively worked through the "ReEntry" book by Peter Jordan and tried to make sure I had strong closer leaving Africa and realistic expectations about returning to live with my mom. And I made the 30 day find something positive every day goal for my new surroundings.
So I did my part but honestly God has shown up in unbelievable ways!!!! I don't know how to explain it. Although mom and I haven't worked out all the kinks of two strong independent ladies who have lived alone the last several years and now find themselves roommates; and I am in a state that I have visited and was born in but haven't lived in for almost 50 years; and I can't yet see what the long term plan God has for me in ministry or work....I can honestly say, I feel like this is "HOME"!!! (I'm afraid only missionaries will fully understand the miracle in that statement.) It can only be by God's grace and confirms to me that God did call me back here. As a missionary, one of the things you discover is that if God calls you, He gives you the grace to adapt. When you are where God has for you it just fells right. Not necessarily smoothly but with peace. The cultural frustrations don't seem as overwhelming. The weather doesn't seem so hot or cold. You can see the beauty in the world you are in (whether poverty, bugs, long lines or cultural differences). When my son Michael went to India on his first outreach with YWAM we marveled how the extreme heat didn't seem oppressive to him. I was always amazed that I could handle cows and/or potholes in the road, clotheslines, no cable TV, no air conditioning or doing things differently with an attitude of "it is the same, just different". I've come to realize, it is not because we were special, it was by the grace of God. And I am feeling His grace now. In this short period of time, I feel a sense of belonging to something bigger. God is moving and He is including me on some level in it. Step by step. Trusting, loving, encouraging and evidently teaching are my current steps. In many ways it feels the same as my first months in Swaziland, when I was learning and growing in my role there! It is exciting yet scary, strange yet comfortable, new yet not so new....... the same, just different! And yes, like it is "home".
"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps" Proverbs 16:9
And now, in less than 3 days, I will be getting on a plane back to Africa for 3 weeks. The first week for a teaching engagement I had agreed to last year with YWAM (where my son Michael and his wife Stephanie are directors for this 6 months Discipleship Training School) and then of course, to go back and visit Swaziland, Badplaas and Nelspruit. I am full of such a mixture of feelings. In some ways, surprisingly, I don't want to go. I've just started feeling in a routine. I'm feeling that I'm finding secure footing and my niche in many areas of my life. Then there is the stretching of teaching, which is something I feel totally weak in. God will sort it and my prayer is that in my weakness that He can be seen all the more! And on the other hand, I miss the relationships, I long for my friends. I miss my son and daughter-in-law but especially my missionary and African co-workers I have built such deep friendships with. Yet I know from moving around often as a child that going back is never the same. We will be able to pick up where we left on some level but there is an ocean between us now and that distance will change us and grow us apart in some ways.
God gave me a word the other day that my journey back to my "old life" is not going to be at all like I expect. Since I wasn't sure what I expected, I felt blogging would help me identify those expectations so I can reflect on them after I return home. I know I should have been blogging more since I arrived in the states and I apologize. In many ways my journey on paper seems smaller than being in Africa. But you are all such a great support and encouragement to me even if I don't get to run around with cute little kids any more. I thank you and I will try to be better about processing the ups and downs in my life on a more consistent basis. It will just be "the same, just different"!
