Healing

Bear with me as I ramble a little more. Stories with pictures to be written in the near future but not today. Today I am transparent, proving missionaries struggle with faith too.

Theology sounds so simple until it applies to you. Healing --- do I believe God can heal today? Absolutely!!!! Can He heal me? Sure, if He wants to. Now what happens if He wants to?????

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:19-20

Sunday before last, at Healing Place Church, Swaziland we had prayer for healing. (Let me backtrack, I have had major sinus problems for over 20 years now which has included 5

surgeries and daily mucous thinning medication. It had been getting worse and I recently had a CAT scan and a doctor who said my sinuses were the worst he hs seen in his 19 years of practice in Swaziland. I have prayed for God to heal me on multiple occasions but He never did. I've been to other services for people to pray for healing, but did not feel God releasing me to go forward.)

That Sunday was different. I felt God saying it's time and I found me saying but why me?Why not someone with HIV or cancer that I'm praying for? I hate my sinus condition but all of a sudden I did not feel worthy. Am I worth it? Sounds silly. We are all unworthy. "...and by His stripes we are healed." He died and suffered for all of us regardless of our sins. It is grace not merit. I "know" all of that but now it was in my lap, staring me in the face. I was saved at 13 years of age and lived in grace for so many years, it's been a long time since I really looked at my unmerited favor and really let myself feel God's grace. Don't know if that makes sense but that was where I was at. And God said it was time and so I went forward.

Now, dilema number two. Step one believed and accepted that God wanted to heal me but what does being healed feel like? I felt a peace about going forward and God's love but now what? No warm fuzzy feeling, no electricity running through my sinuses, nothing really special. I left the

service and Satan starts whispering, "how do you know?" It's not like I was blind or lame where

you could "see" the healing. I felt God saying it was okay to stop the mucous thinner and anthihistamine the doctor had me on. Okay, step of faith and all week I was fine during the day but not sleeping through the night due to a blocked nose but not like anything in my past and not

because my nose was full of "snot" (excuse the bluntness). Satan whispers, doubt raises. Do I

believe I was healed? I either do or I don't. The battlefield of the mind, the easiest place Satan wins. Gird myself with prayer and scripture and speak the truth. So I'm speaking it. My sinuses are now moving out the green stuff from the recesses as I believe the Lord is clearing out the old stuff. Healing isn't like I thought it would be but I'm enjoying the process of learning that's it doesn't fit in a neat box.

Thank you for letting me share and process. Now that I've been so thought provoking let me be transparent in embarassing photos. (The last one)

Pictures in the field with the MoM team and then one in my Swazi outfit dancing at Zinty's wedding although I have no idea what was going on with my facial pose or

Patience (the one in the background). We were just being silly and having fun. So enjoy the laugh!

I'll stop blogging about myself and more about the kids soon! I promise.

Rambling Thoughts

Bear with me as I collect my scattered thoughts and feelings.

We just finished school break and school has started back up. In Swaziland there are 3 terms to the year with a 3 week break after the first 2 and then a 6 week break at the end of the school year which also will be the end of the calendar year. Things are all out of routine during break. Some CarePoints have more children and some have less as children travel back to homesteads because they have to stay with relatives in order to go to school. It's not like in the states where you automatically go to the public school in your neighborhood. You have to find a spot in a school in your grade and sometimes kids have to go quite far to school. We still feed at the CarePoints but the make up of kids is just different during breaks. "The same, just different" (My favorite phase since I arrived in Swaziland)

Weather has been out of sorts too. I was excited that we seemed to be coming out of winter and into spring. Then we had a few days where everyone was saying how hot it was and did we go straight from winter to summer? We were pulling out sandals and summer clothes and now I've had to pull out my heater again. It has been COLD and rainy the last few days. It has been just crazy.

We just finished 40 Days of Prayer through Children's Cup and I have been amazed, proud and humbled by our staff at Children's Cup. At a meeting of the office staff I oversee directly, it was unanimous that all wanted to continue the morning prayer. So much so, they are willing to take over the responsibility of rotating leading it. They said it really has settled their spirit each morning and helped them refocus after the hectic pace of just getting to work. We don't just pray, we sing and worship. One of the blessings of Africa is the joy that flows when they sing out praise songs. (Americans are just too self conscious.)

Spiritually has not flowed in the normal sense, having stirrings from a variety of directions. (the office worship, sermons from home, services at HPC Swaziland, my devotions, my roommate) Let me share you a story that I had heard previously but as an Indian tale using wolves but I found it in my current devotional using the illustration as a Chinese man and with dogs; but the truth is the same.

"A missionary in China led a Chinese man to the Lord and there was great excitement in the missionary's heart as he carried on with his travels. A few months later he returned and enquired how the new convert was doing. 'How is your new life coming along?' he asked him. 'Well,' replied the believer. 'It seems as though there are two dogs fighting within me -- a black on and a white one' (representing good and evil). 'Which one is winning?' asked the missionary. The new convert replied, 'That depends on which one I'm feeding the most.'"

Sometimes missionary life is so much easier because the nature of our job and how it intertwines with life often keeps our focus on God, but we also must be alert to who we are feeding. God has been coming at me from several different angles and scriptures with the call to "meditate" on His Word." (Feed the good dog.) Meditate meaning chew over; reflect deeply on a subject. My good dog is not going to thrive because it is in a healthy environment, but only when I truly feed it, chew on God's Word, not just glance over it or assume I know it. So easy to be put on the pedestal of "missionary" and start playing the part. I'm just as fallible and able to stumble or chase after the wrong thing if I'm not centered on God's Word! Where is my focus? On me? (oh how nice the praise feels and how quickly we can become prideful and self centered) My ailments, my accomplishments, my needs, my desires??? Lord may I focus on You because I find my true joy and blessings in being obedient and moldable to Your plan for me. I can only become aware and sensitive to that plan and serve and love and make wise choices when I am fellowshipping with you deeply and intimately. You help me not be self centered and stingy with my time and my resources. Thank you!

My prayer is "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, My rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Forgive my rambling thoughts today but thank you for letting me process my life with you. :)