Growing Pains

Let me say thank you for those who have sent me prayers of support and encouragement since my last blog and to those that have helped out monetarily. I trust God completely. I might not be even close to the $500/month but He will help me make the adjustments I need to make it work. And to Mt. Pleasant's VBS kids in Clarksburg, MO!!! Siyabonga!!! "See-yah-boing-gah" or Thank you!!! Your VBS collection will help me get some much needed repairs done on my truck (or we call it a bakki "bah-key" here). It is the part of my missionary life that feels the most like being back in Missouri, especially when I'm driving down the rough dirt roads here!

That said, I seem to have grown and learned to trust in my finances. That is not the area God has been stretching me lately. I guess it is good to never stop growing but sometimes the growing pains really hurt and really leave you confused.

2 months ago I was humbled and amazed by God's provision for me to go on a trip of my missionary life on a shoestring budget!!! It was spectacular to see Victoria Falls, be a part of a friend's wedding in Botswana, and see Zambia and Zimbabwe. In my 2 1/2 years here I have only been to South Africa and once to Mozambique. I was awed and blessed to say the least. Then within 2 weeks of returning, my closest Swazi friend got sick and died suddenly. The roller coaster had begun. In that short time, God opened the floodgates to emotions. Those who know me from my past, know me as the practical, non-emotional, great in a crisis, keep going kind of person. So my first obstacle was to identify feelings I had never recognized in myself before. I went through, I guess you would say, part of my grieving process where a flood of irrational emotions would catch me off guard. Okay, so maybe some time off? No, God didn't open that door, instead He said face it, work through it, don't run away from it, recognize and identify your feelings. Okay, I felt I had reached a point of learning from it. Not an easy or fully accomplished work but I started owning it.

But then God kept stretching. Another co-worker, Christina, not as close but someone I knew who had the joy of the Lord and who loved the kids at her CarePoint with such passion and care, got sick. The kind we see so often and does not usually have a restoration of health. God said pray and go visit her in the hospital.

Side note: The government hospital, Ward 18, one that was notorious for never being discharged from in the past. Let me say it has improved. The filth and cockroaches are not there. There are still 44 beds on the ward. You still must have a "caretaker" come stay and care for you. They get to sleep on a pad under your bed at night and make sure you eat and take your meds. The nurses only take vitals, administer IVs and injections and set your tablets out (usually with no explanation). It is hard and frustrating to see.

Okay, back to my praying. I learned that I pray believing God will heal but was challenged to pray, expecting God to heal!!! Wow!!! Bigger difference than I realized! Okay, got that and I can honestly say I expect Christina to be healed.!! But right now she is 3 weeks in the hospital, stronger physically but scattered and fragmented mentally. So that is where I am today. God keeps saying to visit . . .every day . . . at the government hospital . . . but Christina is not only not healed, she is confused. She no longer has the joy of the Lord bubbling out of her. She is tormented by her own reality. She is anxious and without peace. Even family abandoned caring for her over a week ago. Can I stay with her? No. Can I provide anything including encouragement and prayers that will stay with her after I walk out? No. Can I do anything for the other faces that come and go in the beds next to Christina besides smile and greet and encourage? No. So what's the point? I finally agree with the Psalms when David cries out to God to rescue the afflicted. (The me I have changed to them)

"O Lord, how long will your forget (them)? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must (they) struggle with anguish in (their) soul, with sorrow in (their) hearts every day? How long will the enemy have the upper hand?" Psalm 13:1-2

He used my new found emotions to feel their pain like I never have in the over 2 years I have been here. He is making me return every day so I can see, not just skim over the need, the pain of even His children. Yes, even Christians suffer. I keep struggling with why?? I feel like a teen trying to come to grips with the universe. Trying to make sense of the Holocaust. Why does it have to be this way? And why do you want me to take it in? Yet I believe God is sovereign. Can I live that out, when others are hurting so much and I am not? It is not that I am making a difference by going every day. I can't. There is nothing that I can do. Humbling? Absolutely! I want to have purpose. I want to be significant. . . I, I, I . . . but I'm finding just the opposite in this period of stretching. I need to become less so as not to block anyone's view of Him. He is the only answer. I hate not understanding. I hate that Christina can't hold on to the joy of the Lord that I know is somewhere lost inside her spirit. Maybe that is why this is taking so long. I just need to let go and be a good reflection of Him and not try to work it all out. Ouch!!!! Keep praying. With all this growth, I hope those who know me will see me differently (in a positive way). That God is more in control and me less. OUCH!!!! (out with the control freak). That I will be more obedient and joyful and bold in my walk.

I'll let you know when Christina walks out healed and renewed in body, mind and spirit!!!! Until then, I will continue to visit her in the hospital as long as God confirms that is where I am to go. I will continue to process the growing pains knowing that the end result will be a closer walk with my creator, the one who does have ALL the answers!!! The one who loves each of us and has not been looking the other way but is right there with Christina and the others and me!!!!

Christina is the tall one on the right of the youth group!!