Good question. It is one I often ask myself. Last September/October when I helped with a team in Swaziland I was challenged to ask God to take my relationship with Him up a notch. One of the men on the team shared that when he asked God to do that, God told him to take the time he would be watching his favorite football team play on TV and spend it with Him instead. Isn't God great in how He challenges each of us in areas that get to the heart of our issues.
"Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done." Colossians 2:7
So what did God do when I asked Him to put me "all in"? He rocked my world and turned my ministry identity upside down, literally. He took away what I "do". He then started tearing down my perceptions. My perception of what I should be "doing" in ministry. My need to plan what I would "do" next. And now my perception that I have to be "doing" something right now. Okay, everything, even breathing is something but you know what I mean. Doing the things I can show tangibly to those around me and those who support me. Things like playing and loving on kids, or helping the bomake "bow-mah-gay" (cooks), or encouraging the facilitators. Things that show I am making progress for the Kingdom. Things that show I am of worth. But God so gently showied me that sometimes what I "did" only scratched the surface. There is more to the Kingdom that I was missing. More to relationships than I was allowing. So for now, God has pulled back on the reigns and put me out in the pasture for awhile. I am not idle. I am helping administratively with a fellow ministry as needed but it is slow and I feel I am to seek God during my "down" time rather than look for more tasks.
"My thoughts are completely different from yours, says the Lord. And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than you thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Someone gave me a word recently that said that God was pulling back the bow and that I am the arrow. To me its seem like I am suppose to be in a season of preparation for what is ahead. I'm not quite sure exactly where the target is but I am surprisingly, remarkably, (totally out of my past character), at peace with the uncertainty and "lack of a plan". Instead I feel like a sponge wanting to soak up as much of God as possible as He pulls me back. I have a deep thirst on so many levels. God, as my daddy or papa, is addressing issues I have unknowingly buried deep and that have kept me hindered in ministering deeper and in being ministered to. I am also learning about Jesus my bridegroom and the moving of the Holy Spirit in new ways. I am excited to read more, pray more, study the Bible more, memorize more, discuss what I am learning and just enjoy God more.
One of the things that might sound strange is taking a weekly hike in a nearby beautiful area. I'm setting aside time to "stop and smell the roses" and thank God for blessing me in so many ways. I'm asking Him to help prepare me, grow me, humble me and use me. Through this and other things I feel I am bubbling over with things I want to share. Like how God challenged me to stop condemning a panhandler under my breath every time I was driving past her at the intersection and to find out her name. This led me to chat with her, take her to lunch, pray for her and now wave and sometimes share with her as I go by. Or when I actually petted a wild horse on my hike I felt God was sending me an unexpected friend a special touch of His presence. Or in reading a book where God stirred in me ways to look at and handle situations of conflict with love that honors the person and their relationship with me and with God over feeling that a wrong has to be righted. Or exposing an old deep wound of rejection and the root of my desire for approval. Through the tears being sincerely okay with letting God, my daddy, love me despite my shortcomings, despite my abilities or lack of abilities. I felt His love, beyond my head knowledge, through the walls I have built to hide my feelings, to the deep recesses of my soul.
"Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting in You. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer." Psalm 143:8
Some of you might see me as "lazy" right now and others might see me as becoming hyper "religious" but my heart is that instead you see God changing me and molding me. Most of us wish that we could have this season, not of uncertainty but of rest. I know I always hated the hectic pace that I let myself fall into.
I don't know how long this season will last. I don't know if my life will become fast and furious again. So for now I plan to make the most of it. Whether it ends tomorrow or lingers longer than I think I have the patience to endure, I want to come out of it knowing God deeper. When my arrow shoots I want to know that I love Him more and I realize more of the depth of His love for me. I want to have a humble, submissive and trusting heart that is obedient to whatever God has for me, even if it is something that is beyond what I feel I can "do". I want my future "to do" list to be God appointments where He works through me rather than me trying to direct the path!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
Thank you for reading this. For supporting me. For praying for me about my present season and about the future plans God has for me. If you have a need and want someone to pray for you in your current season or someone to share your hopes or struggles, then please comment or message me I would love to be there for you. God is so awesome!
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