It hurts! I'm tired of the pain! I'm tired of what the pain meds do to me. I'm tired of the frustration of trying to do things with my left hand! I want someone else to handle things, take care of me, stop the feeling of loneliness and isolation!!! It hurts and I'm sad and mad and lost in it! People send money to support me and I feel I am letting them down. Not doing my job. That I'm not doing anything really.This isn't how I planned this year to be! All I seem good at is throwing a big pity party!
See why missionaries should not be put on a pedestal? I am a big wimp!!! I give in to SELF! I still want it to be all about me. I'm disliking what I am seeing when I am being squeezed!
If I look at this same time frame (this past week), sue I broke mt right wrist but another has lost a husband and the father of her babies! I can't even imagine her pain. Someone else with far less of a support system than I is finding she needs to find a new home that will allow her to keep the dogs who are like family to her and figure how to coordinate having to have hip replacement surgery while moving and caring for her dogs. There is also a strong man of God who I just found out has been watching his daughter suffer chronic debilitating pain and the doctors have no answers and God has not chosen to heal her.
So why do I think I have the right to whine? Why do I think God is not big enough to bring me through this? He loves me so much!!! This is all but a blink of an eye! His plan for my life goes so beyond this segment! When I look back will I have let this change me for the better? Will I know my "daddy" more intimately as I let Him hold and rock me instead of relying on someone else? Will I have more compassion for others in pain? Who are depressed and discouraged? Will I become better equipped to expose the lies of the enemy that say I am pathetic, weak, useless and a failure? Will I be better at focusing on the truth that God loves me beyond all of that and regardless of how I or others view me? His love isn't because of my faith or my works. He just loves me! And though it may sound paradoxical, through the pain and struggles I feel His love more personally.
Please know that I did not write this for you to tell me how great I am for "doing God's work in Africa". I didn't type this for you to wish that I was with you or you with me so you could care for me. My purpose was to help me refocus my pity. To help me think more like Philippians 4:8. To help ooze the love of God when I am squeezed. Psalm 112:4
May I focus on my blessings in my pain. We all have pain in one form or another so I can stop thinking that I suffer alone. May I learn to use my pain to love others and myself better because of the love of our Father for us! He has not caused my pain but He can transform it into a blessing. Maybe not in this instant, maybe not in the way I would choose but in the big picture of my life. Psalm 50:15
Have a great day! I know mine is already more blessed (and less painful!) as my focus is starting to shift.
No comments:
Post a Comment