Did you notice the theme . . . I wanted.
God and I had a wrestling match of wills tonight and of course He won!!! It's not that I lost, it is that He showed me the root of my will was ultimately "my wants". What I really want is to serve Him in whatever manner He chooses. But He showed me "my wants" (mentioned in the beginning of this blog) were arrogant. I wanted to prove "I" was worthy. That "I" could do this blog in such a way that "I" would be thought of as clever and special. Although I am not anxious about the future (a major growth in my faith) I am still trying to do His work in my own strength. So far, this blog makes little sense to you so let me try and clarify.
As of January 2012 my funding will be cut to half of what I need to live in Swaziland. (I need $2000/month and I will only have about $1000/month starting in Jan ) I had not planned to go back to the US for a visit until June and I definitely had not planned to be raising funding.
Can God provide?Absolutely!
Can He do it without my asking for help? Of course!
But will He? I don't think so.
Because in asking, I have to say that I need help. I don't like that. I want to make it flowery. I want to disguise my need and show my worth. I don't feel comfortable in straight out asking for help. And down deep I don't want to have to be that vulnerable, that open to rejection.
That's where my wrestling match started tonight. I was still making it all about me.
But it's not about me. It is about Him. It is about me getting out of the way and letting Him use me or you or whomever to bring Him glory. I don't think I will be leaving Swaziland because I know I have not been called elsewhere. God will lay it on certain people's heart to help support me and I will be grateful and they will be blessed for their obedience even when they don't understand the why or how. I've learned a lot in serving Him in Swaziland and the most significant one is to be obedient. When I hear His voice . . . obey. To never do anything out of guilt, pressure, pleasure or any other reason but only when I know it is what God wants me to do, even if I don't understand why. God does not need me to do His work here. I am blessed that He chooses to use me. God is doing amazing things in the lives of children, youth and even the co-workers I work with here in Swaziland. I pray I have and will continue to be a vessel for Him to use; to be His hands and feet to love on, encourage and build up others. Tonight though God has made it clear to me that I have to say I need your help to stay here. It might not be how I wanted to say it. I'm sure it is not the way others will say I should say it. But I work for Emmanuel -God is with us. God is with you. God is with me. So in obedience to Him may I in true humility say . . .
"I need your help."
Thank you as always for reading my blog, loving me, praying for me and putting up with me as I work out my faith. I pray my journey helps you in yours. I know you help me in mine. I love you all and I know I am loved and blessed beyond measure!!!!
If God is calling you specifically to help me, please email me at sandra@childrenscup.org or go to chidrenscup.org and click on donate and then my name or if you belong to The Oasis Church, please send your designated donation through them as they will send it on to me. If your contribution will be on a consistent basis will you please let me know show I can include it in my budget. And regardless of if God uses you in supporting me financially; THANK YOU for supporting me with your thoughts, your prayers and your time in keeping up with the ministry God is doing in Swaziland!
"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." Ephesians 3:20
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