Faith

Been reflecting lately on how my blogs have turned more towards facts and less about my journey with God. Probably reflects my life in general the last 6 months or year, "to do" list so long that I'm not taking time to reflect and share on the spiritual side. (Not just with my readers but with me.) Not that God and I are not spending daily time together or that I feel distant from Him but just have not been as contemplative lately.

Currently I am in a women's bible study, doing Beth Moore's study on the Fruit of the Spirit, an area God and I have been working on over the last year a lot. This week, when stricken by a strange, weird infection that has swollen and caused pain in my face, I am studying the quality of "faithfulness". Before I go rambling, let me share 2 things that have jumped out so far in just the 1st 2 days of this week's study.

1) As I shared on my FaceBook page. "Faith is not an action; it is a response. If we strive to have faith, we may be miserably disappointed."

2) This is a prayer Beth shared "God, I can't understand why You're doing this. But I know that, unlike me, Your actions cannot be inconsistent with Your heart, and I know Your heart is loving, good, and faithful. Somehow, some way, somewhere all these things are for good. If I could just know You better through this, that is all the good I need."

18 months ago, God reached out to me about healing me and I felt He healed my sinuses. I DO feel He healed my sinuses, just not the way I assumed. (Quick summation: 18 months ago my sinuses were full & packed & CTscan came back as worst ENT had ever seen and he wanted to do surgery. I have had 5 sinus surgeries back in the states and from my final diagnosis there, I knew that surgery was not an option. I wrestled with feeling unworthy when God told me to go forward in a healing service yet I went forward and He cleared out my head and helped me wrestle with other spiritual truths of His love for me.)

Fast forward to the last couple of months. I started having allergy problems, which escalated after my move to my new home that was more of a valley than the mountains and so it has different plant life. I am not allergic to any food or medicines but when it comes to growing things, I am allergic to most all grasses, weeds, trees, dust, mold etc. Started wrestling with doubt. "But God, you healed me. Didn't you?" Lots of questions without answers. Now I was up to a major sinus infection which I was self treating because in the past it was usually fungal not bacterial and wrestling more and more with what did God heal me of originally if this is back. "Am I doing something wrong, am I not believing in the healing?"

And then Thursday afternoon, pain started in one spot on my face (like a pimple starting to form and hurts deep until it makes a head). By bedtime the right side of my nose was swollen and sensitive to touch making me think maybe a bite. By morning, my whole nose into my cheekbones were swollen with blisters and the pressure felt like my skin would explode. Touching any of the areas was painful and my moving effected face muscles was difficult and hurt. "God, I don't understand!!!"

Went to the doctor Friday morning (a blessing that one was found not far away. . . did I mention I am away from home on the far and more desolate side of Swaziland) and after he heard me out (poor guy), he felt strongly that I have a bacterial infection and started me on 2 antibiotics, along with some other meds and that I should start seeing it go down by Sat. afternoon. He said to not go to the CarePoint that day and to rest. I don't like being sick, I don't like bailing out of my job (we are out here for 5 days with a specific schedule we needed to accomplish . . .BTW thank you Tamara for accomplishing more efficiently yesterday than if I was along), I whine at discomfort and needless to say feeling sorry for those that had to fill in for me and really feeling sorry about "poor" me.

Ready for my epiphany? You probably already have this down but here goes.

1) It is not all about me!!! (An ongoing wrestle match I have between myself and God. You just never realize how self absorbed you become until you don't get your way!)

2) He DID heal me, just not how I thought He did or should have. What I needed then was a clear head and that is what He gave me. Who am I to define my gift or ask for more than the blessing it was.

3) My current sinus problem was not because of anything I failed to do in faith. My faith is not based on my actions. Faith is not a roller coaster. I am not to base my faith on what God does but on who He is! I can trust Him even if I don't understand Him.

So, how am I today? Physically, still in pain, with swelling and questionable if it actually better or just spread out differently. But spiritually I feel I have been growing a lot.

1) Winning today's battle of it not being all about me.

2) Realizing that no matter if medically we are on the right track and I get better or not that I trust God and the outcome.

3) Stop whining and be a light no matter how I feel (not meaning I don't rest and take care of myself, just not complain about it . . . definitely a lot more people dealing with more than I am).

4) Rest in my God's love. "Genuine faith walks steadfastly with God for the pleasure of His company not for His results." Enjoy my more God time right now! "God does not call upon us to seek His works. He calls upon use to seek His heart!"

Looking forward to new perspective on my days ahead. Thank you for your prayers and your support and for reading my ramblings. By opening up my heart and struggles and doubts, I pray it benefits others as it helps me to take the time to contemplate them.

"The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made." Psalm 145:13