I Won't Go Back

I have changed! I am not who I used to be. Praise God!!! I pray I will continue to grow to be more in His image each day.

As I look at my past; my self reliant, defiant, manipulative past; I see how God has molded me into a better person and I am grateful. Do I seek to be rich in wealth? No, I seek to handle what God gives me with an open hand and a giving heart. Do I seek to have it "my way"? To be honest, sometimes I fall back into that but when I can see or hear God's way, I have learned that His is the better plan. When I failed to submit to authority in the past, I now realize I was opposing God not any particular person and I've come to trust Him even in what seems like failure or disaster. Sometimes, submitting to authority seems like you are the passenger in a car and you see the driver heading for a head on collision and you want to jerk the steering wheel to avoid the crash!!!

Have you ever felt that way?

I now realize that by doing so, I prevent the driver from steering away from the danger or I'm not trusting that God will either intervene or grow me through the recovery after the collision. See how my perspective has changed? It is so freeing and less worrisome.

So why and how did I change? Is it because I live in Africa? Is it because I see poverty daily that is so beyond what I would have thought of when I lived in the states? Is it because what I perceived as problems a few years ago were really selfish whines failing to see my amazing blessings?

Yes and no. I don't think it is so much that I live in Swaziland as it is that I became surrendered to God. Maybe, for me, He had to remove me to Africa to get me to really look at my life. But on the flip side I don't think that if you really look at your life He will move you to a foreign country. LOL When I can get just glimpses of seeing with His eyes, my whole being strives to be gentler, kinder, more loving and full of mercy. And it is not "me" it is Christ "in" me that has enabled me to change. It was Him doing all the work once I just let go, trusted and obeyed.

I still fail quite a bit and stumble over my bad habits but I can see I am changing and I won't go back!! Does that mean never physically move back to the states? No. The change is not about where I live but whom I seek. I don't plan on leaving Swaziland but I know if God calls me back to the US or even to another country, He will give me the grace I need to go.

Thanks for letting me share my recent epiphany!!! I am blessed!!! I am happy!!! I am a child of the King and loved beyond measure!!! I am on a journey and I will continue to draw ever closer to my Lord!!!

And I won't go back to the person I used to be!!!